An Open Letter to Hasbro

Dear Hasbro,

I've enjoyed your line of Star Wars action figures since its inception with Kenner in the late 1970s. Over the past 30 years, your action figures have evolved, growing more and more impressive with each line. The sculpting, deco, and articulation are always finding new ways to impress me.

That is why I was so taken aback after purchasing the Jedi vs. Sith Battle Pack. I had looked forward to this set for some time, and I'm sorry to say, I missed it when it was released under the ROTS line. Now, I'm certain you've fielded your share of questions regarding the fact that, despite its name, the Jedi vs. Sith set does not, in fact, include any Sith. That's fine. I've made peace with that. My gripe is far more substantial than mere semantics in nomenclature.

Let me put it bluntly.

This figure infuriates me. In fact, you have failed so spectacularly with this abortion of a plaything that I was unable to put my heartwrenching disappointment into words for a fortnight. You had a magnificent opportunity to do something really special with this one, but no. You didn't just drop the ball, here. You hurled the ball downward with all your might, with the hope, it seems, of putting yourself in orbit.

Let's think about this, ok? There are 5 figures, here. Grievous and Yoda are both repacks of older figures. While, Anakin, Asajj, and Obi-Wan were all new figures, there have been Asajj Ventresses on the market for a while, and the battle-damaged Anakin Skywalker was previously available in the Clone Wars Animated line. The point, here, is that Hasbro had, until this point, never released an Obi-Wan in clone armor before. There was plenty of demand for such a figure, and many of us were excited to see it in this Battle Pack.

That excitement was soon replaced with furious rage when I opened the box.

The first problem is the armor. Rather than the tried 'n' true snap-on method, you opted for the posts & holes technique. This was a bad idea. Why? Because the armor pieces don't stay in place! I had a hell of a time trying to keep all the armor pieces on at the same time. It took forever until I finally decided that those transparent rubber bands were the way to go.

Not only are the arm and leg pieces sorry, but the helmet is lopsided and just tight enough that it takes Obi-Wan's head with it when I try to remove the damn thing. The chest plate is attached to the plastic/vinyl robe/cape thingy, offering us something reminiscent of old Ben's bulk cloak from 1995.

Not only does the armor suck, the articulation is bad, too. First, we have a ball-hinged head that, as I mentioned, was too loose. Second, ball-jointed shoulders are probably not the way to go, when the figure comes with shitty armor that's supposed to cover them. The arms are an obvious cash-saver attempt with the swivel elbows. Seriously? You know, you didn't have to make the arms jointed like that. In fact, if I'm trying to pose my Obi-Wan in armor and his arms straight at his side, he looks fucking retarded!

That's not all, though. Thanks to the ridiculous action feature you insisted on using, this figure only has one poseable leg. Great. Now I can't hide him away in a spaceship somewhere, because he can't fucking sit down!

Speaking of action features, whose idea was it to include saber-swinging action on a figure with loose-fitting armor? I mean, come on! Even if you do get it all on, the moment you squeeze the legs together, half the armor falls off anyway.

And to top it all off, you gave him ball-hinged ankles. I cannot think of a single scenario in which this figure, with its one articulated leg, would need ball-hinged ankles. Why would you do this?

Now, I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me it costs a lot to add articulation to these figures, plus the cost of the removable armor, and the other figures in the set make it necessary to cut some corners.

To that, I say bullshit. You had 3 very clear options with this figure: Super articulation, removable armor, and action feature. Well, all those ball-hinges are pricey. I understand that. So, why did you include them in the most cumbersome and inconsequential places on this figure? The armor would have worked if you'd placed joints in more appropriate places and used armor pieces that don't completely suck. As for the action feature, well, if it was that important to you, then ditch the goddamn removable armor! I know for a fact that it would've been possible to do a clonetrooper/Obi-Wan kit-bash. Seriously. I've done it. It worked out way better than this abomination of a toy.

I saw at ToyFair that you were going to release a newer version of this figure. I hope it's an improvement.

- North Green Land