Fuck James Bond up his smarmy limey ass.

James Bond is fucking retarded.

That's not to say the character itself is mentally challenged (though that would make for a pretty interesting movie). I mean the franchise and its eponymous character is irrepressibly silly, juvenile, and just plain dumb.

Now before you start going off on a well, yeah, except for Connery / Brosnan / Craig rant, I am, indeed, referring to all of them. Each incarnation of James Bond is just awful. It's not the actors' fault, mind you. Bond is just a terribly uninteresting character. He's little more than an empty suit with a gun, a dick, and a few nifty gadgets.

I'll grant you he's got some pretty neat gadgets (as well as a treasure trove of lame ones). But that's basically it.

As a character, though, Bond is severely lacking. He's not sympathetic. You only root for him because someone needs to save the world. I'd just as soon have Bill and/or Ted step up to the plate. He's not flawed in anyway. He's just there. There's no tragic history, no secret past, no compelling origin story. He's not driven by anything other than his personal duty to queen and country.

The movies invariably follow the same cookie-cutter formula, and any deviations from it are derided by the obnoxious fanboys (who, incidentally, are convinced that there hasn't been a really good Bond movie since Dr. No.)

The villains aren't intimidating, threatening, or even remotely fearsome. They're generally evil for evil's sake. The love interests with clever names are about as interchangeable as porn stars (Michelle Yeoh notwithstanding). They may as well just recruit from the adult film industry to save on money. Lord knows the acting is just as good.

James Bond is about as dramatically interesting as Superman. At least Superman has a moral code to speak of. Bond has no problem with murder, adultury, theft, or any number of activities that are severely frowned upon in civilized society. Think about it. He has no real concern for anyone but himself, and he just happened upon a career where he can sate his bloodlust to his heart's content, spending his downtime sticking his dick in anything without one. The man may as well be a psychopath. That would at least make him a little interesting.

- Nebulous Gardening Lifts