Major depression sucks ass.
I should know. I've been living with it for well over a decade. I think the worst thing about it, more than the raw emotions, is the persistance. Generally, I'm fine, but every few months I crash. I can generally attribute it to season changes, and that's normal. I hate it, but it's normal. Crashes generally last for a day or two and consist of overwhelming sadness.
But something happened recently.
Last week, I started having dreams of great emotional pain. This wasn't just seasonal sadness. Sadness I can handle, usually, but this was searing pain, the kind I haven't felt since high school, before I went on any kind of medication. I suffer unbearable pain in my subconscious, and it's manifesting itself in my waking life.
What could cause this?
I really don't know. Part of me says it's just brain chemistry, but something else tells me that it's because the thing I'd postponed my suicide for all these years has finally come to pass. Pathetic, I know, but Revenge of the Sith was totally worth not dying.
After I jumped, it occurred to me: Life is perfect. Life is the best, full of magic, and beauty, and opportunity, and television, and surprises, lots of surprises.
- Tom Tom, Million Dollar Hotel
But there's still that little ball of pain deep within that is always threatening to show itself, and I can never get rid of it. All I can do is hope I don't succumb to it, and that's pretty hard in itself.
I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. I'm probably just coming off as an angsty attention whore.
It could also just be stress. I've never been one to cope well with stress, and right now I've got all kinds of shit stacked against me - work, job hunt, being broke, looking for a job, and seeking employment. I hear the one interview I had went really well, and I almost got the job, which is great. The problem is I can't show off my badass interviewing skills if no one calls me in for an interview. What I don't understand is how I see and help students put together their resumes, and they're awful. I'm not trying to say my resume style is anything spectacular, but at least I make sure I spell things right and format things nicely (like right-justifying instead of hitting the spacebar until it looks about right).
I do have some artwork I need to do, and Kenzerco is looking for freelance artists. I wonder, since the work I'm doing is for a Hackmaster campaign, if I can submit it to Kenzerco without violating the NDA. I would imagine so, but I don't wanna risk it.
Also, why are so many people so stupid?
- Noisey Green Lawnmower
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