The long and arduous process...

I hate looking for a job.

I really hate it.

No, I don't think you fully appreciate the depths of my loathing for the job hunt. So far, I've been overqualified, not the right person, too inexperienced, and just unnoticed. It sucks.

Not that you should really care.

I mean, everyone has to do it at some point. I just wish there was an easier way, one that bypasses all the formalities and doesn't depend on the eloquence of a cover letter, the format of a resume, or the necessity to explain what my goals for the next five years are, and what I think my weakest points are.

You're supposed to answer the questions honestly, but also make yourself look good. Where do I see myself in five years? Sitting in front of a computer at a do-nothing job to fund my various creative enterprises. What's my biggest weakness? It's hard to decided. Either it's apathy or lack of motivation.

This is my generic cover letter:

Dear ***:

I am applying for the *** position posted on ***. My collaborative and communication skills, creativity, and design skills will be a great asset to your company.

The many communication-intensive classes I attended in the course of obtaining my degree in philosophy have served to support my already well-honed art and design skills with the written and oral communication skills necessary to serve my clients. In the past ten years as an independent creative contractor, I have come to appreciate and surpass the expectations of my clients. These experiences combined make me the ideal person to hold the *** position in your *** department.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

NGL

Here's how I'd prefer it:

Dear ***:
Okay, here's the deal: You need a worker, and I need a job. I'm your ideal candidate. Don't believe me? Check the resume. I'm totally qualified. Let's hook up, say, Thursday for an interview. How's 2:00 sound? Let me know. Can't wait to get on your payroll.

- NGL

Sadly, it doesn't work like that. There's formalities, procedures, and whatnot. It's annoying. It's infuriating. If I'm lucky, I'll get an interview. Fantastic. I just can't wait to feign interest in your company while your grill me about goals, strengths, weaknesses, and whatever questions I might have for you. My biggest concern at that point is trying not to sweat too noticeably and keeping my foot far away from my mouth.

Not only that, but I have the world's most useless degree. Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy. Oooh. That's employable. Huge market for that. We need more thinkers, but we also need people to pay us to think. Since I'm not going to grad school, there's little to no chance of me ever getting a doctorate, and even if I did, that'd just put me in a teaching position, if I'm lucky. Not really something I care to pursue.

So, what is there for an almost-30 recent college grad with a philosophy degree and a panache for the arts?

Writing.

Easier said than done. I've never been published. Well, nothing I've written has. The best I've come up with is a series of failed web sites, a floundering fake news site, and now this blog experiment. NPR has been making a big deal about blogs, so they're obviously at the forefront orogue journalism. The Daily Show even had a segment on them.

I anticipate, at some point in the next couple of years, to have the following conversation:

Friend: Hey, remember when blogging was cool?
Me: Oh yeah! I think I might've had one, once.
Friend: Haha! Idiot.

Gotta love the fast-paced society we've forged for ourselves. No time to stop and smell the roses. I have to work at a high-stress job I hate so I can buy another SUV I don't need. Hope I don't spill my half-caf mocha latte all over my H2's suede upholstery when some idiot who's completely oblivious to the fact that I'm on the phone and trying to enjoy my drink rear ends me. Coffee stains are a hassle to get out. At least there's another Starbucks drive-thru across the street, and a venti latte is only $8.50.

- No Greater Love