This wasn't part of my rock'n'roll fantasy!

I'm in a weird place, mentally, and I can't really explain it.

Dan came over last night to work on the movie. I stayed home yesterday because of an upset tummy. I don't know what the deal was, but it cleared up by the evening. So, here I am.

At work.

Nothing much to do. Well, I can do those journals, but meh. This week seems to have lasted forever. It's only Wednesday. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine that's just leaving me mentally exhausted. I don't really know why. I haven't really had any moments of clarity in a while either. You know, those brief periods of enlightenment that last 2 seconds but seem like an eternity. I live for those.

I'm too distracted by life, though, to actually relax and think. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I don't know.

I prefer the role of the spectator, but I haven't been able to play it for a while.

Tomorrow's Magic. I haven't been in a long time.

I also want to get hold of Sara, but I keep getting her voice mail, and my bad karma once again rears its ugly head.

Fuckin' karma. It really annoys me sometimes.

But it'll all work out in the end, I suppose. That's what karma does.

I dunno. Where am I going with all this? Does it matter? Does anyone really care? I don't. But I just keep writing.

Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I'm just overly concerned about disappointing Tina throughout my everyday life.

Maybe I'm afraid, though of what, I don't know.

Or maybe I'm just bored. Maybe I need to get out. Maybe I should call Dan and see if he's free tonight. We're at least making some progress with this movie.

Fuffy's noos is back.

I still have the basement to finish, but that's more long-term.

Maybe I just need to clear my head. I haven't in far too long, and I really owe it to myself to.

So, how do I go about doing that?

I need to stop feeling responsible for all the annoying shit that happens in life, but my stupid jackass of a subconscious (see below) won't let me. It keeps me from moving forward, from improving my life, from feeling good about myself. (Not that I deserve to.) (Goddammit.)

I just want to be able to silence the constant barrage of thoughts going through my head every waking second. I figure if I can just get through them all and emerge on the other side, it'll work, but that's never the case. I can't get myself to stop worrying, to stop feeling guilty, and to stop beating myself up.

Maybe I just need to talk it out. Or write it out, as the case may be.

Or not. Who knows.

Maybe sometime sooner or later.

- Notorious Green Leopard