I'm in a weird place, mentally, and I can't really explain it.
Dan came over last night to work on the movie. I stayed home yesterday because of an upset tummy. I don't know what the deal was, but it cleared up by the evening. So, here I am.
At work.
Nothing much to do. Well, I can do those journals, but meh. This week seems to have lasted forever. It's only Wednesday. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine that's just leaving me mentally exhausted. I don't really know why. I haven't really had any moments of clarity in a while either. You know, those brief periods of enlightenment that last 2 seconds but seem like an eternity. I live for those.
I'm too distracted by life, though, to actually relax and think. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I don't know.
I prefer the role of the spectator, but I haven't been able to play it for a while.
Tomorrow's Magic. I haven't been in a long time.
I also want to get hold of Sara, but I keep getting her voice mail, and my bad karma once again rears its ugly head.
Fuckin' karma. It really annoys me sometimes.
But it'll all work out in the end, I suppose. That's what karma does.
I dunno. Where am I going with all this? Does it matter? Does anyone really care? I don't. But I just keep writing.
Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I'm just overly concerned about disappointing Tina throughout my everyday life.
Maybe I'm afraid, though of what, I don't know.
Or maybe I'm just bored. Maybe I need to get out. Maybe I should call Dan and see if he's free tonight. We're at least making some progress with this movie.
Fuffy's noos is back.
I still have the basement to finish, but that's more long-term.
Maybe I just need to clear my head. I haven't in far too long, and I really owe it to myself to.
So, how do I go about doing that?
I need to stop feeling responsible for all the annoying shit that happens in life, but my stupid jackass of a subconscious (see below) won't let me. It keeps me from moving forward, from improving my life, from feeling good about myself. (Not that I deserve to.) (Goddammit.)
I just want to be able to silence the constant barrage of thoughts going through my head every waking second. I figure if I can just get through them all and emerge on the other side, it'll work, but that's never the case. I can't get myself to stop worrying, to stop feeling guilty, and to stop beating myself up.
Maybe I just need to talk it out. Or write it out, as the case may be.
Or not. Who knows.
Maybe sometime sooner or later.
- Notorious Green Leopard
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Me and my jackass subconscious
My battle with sobriety came to an end last night. There was much rejoicing. My inner dialogue is amusing and infuriating to me, though. Here's what happened:
I called Sara after work yesterday, and we arranged to meet at home and hang out a little. I'd hung out with her a bit before, and she was always very nice, if a bit quiet. So, she showed up, we chatted for a bit, then watched some TV. No big deal, right?
After a bit of TV, a sort of alarm went off in my head. I got the very distinct feeling that this particular moment was the opportune time for her to leave, and I knew that if I were her, I'd be getting up and taking off now.
As these thoughts are tumbling through my head, Sara gets up, thanks me for having her over, and vary graciously informs me that she must be on her way.
The following exchange occurs in my head:
Cool Me: "Well, that went well."
Jackass Me: "She's leaving."
Cool Me: "Yeah, but this is when I'd be leaving, too. Besides, I had an enjoyable time, and she seemed to, too. You're blowing whatever may be negative way out of proportion."
Jackass Me: "That's what I do."
Cool Me: "Tomorrow, I will recall this night as a successful venture in entertaining on my own, despite what you say."
Jackass Me: "That's what you think."
Cool Me: "You're going to beat yourself up all night, aren't you."
Jackass Me: "Yep."
Cool Me: "I hate you."
Guess what I spent the rest of the evening doing.
Looking back more objectively, though, I think it went well, especially considering my natural aversion to strangers and social situations.
I just need to stop taking that negative perspective so seriously. I hate that fucker.
- Negativity, Get Lost
I called Sara after work yesterday, and we arranged to meet at home and hang out a little. I'd hung out with her a bit before, and she was always very nice, if a bit quiet. So, she showed up, we chatted for a bit, then watched some TV. No big deal, right?
After a bit of TV, a sort of alarm went off in my head. I got the very distinct feeling that this particular moment was the opportune time for her to leave, and I knew that if I were her, I'd be getting up and taking off now.
As these thoughts are tumbling through my head, Sara gets up, thanks me for having her over, and vary graciously informs me that she must be on her way.
The following exchange occurs in my head:
Cool Me: "Well, that went well."
Jackass Me: "She's leaving."
Cool Me: "Yeah, but this is when I'd be leaving, too. Besides, I had an enjoyable time, and she seemed to, too. You're blowing whatever may be negative way out of proportion."
Jackass Me: "That's what I do."
Cool Me: "Tomorrow, I will recall this night as a successful venture in entertaining on my own, despite what you say."
Jackass Me: "That's what you think."
Cool Me: "You're going to beat yourself up all night, aren't you."
Jackass Me: "Yep."
Cool Me: "I hate you."
Guess what I spent the rest of the evening doing.
Looking back more objectively, though, I think it went well, especially considering my natural aversion to strangers and social situations.
I just need to stop taking that negative perspective so seriously. I hate that fucker.
- Negativity, Get Lost
Friday, January 05, 2007
The rape checklist
This was posted on SA recently. It ranges from blindingly obvious to blindingly retarded. I just knew I had to rebut.
1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
This is a bit iffy. If your intent is to take advantage of her, then yes, it's rape. If your intent is to have a few drinks and the two of you become amorous, it's not. The key is consent.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
I assume this refers to the passed-out girl on the sofa and the frat guy trying to get some. No problems here.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk and have sex with her. Your drunkeness (sic) is no excuse.
What if she is sober and consents?
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
"Let's get drunk and fool around."
"But that would be rape."
5. If she's alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you're a rapist.
Only if you're having sex with her.
6. If she's sleeping and you have sex with her you're a rapist.
Pretty much, yeah.
7. If she's unconscious and you have sex with her then you're a rapist.
How is this different from # 6?
8. If she's taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
How does this differ from #s 6 & 7?
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say 'Yes' then you're a rapist.
Duh.
10. If you drug her then you're a rapist.
What do you mean by drug? Roofies? Sure. Smoking a bowl, dropping some E, or snorting some E, then making with the crazy monkey love? No.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you're a rapist.
Same basic principle as # 10.
12. If you don't bother to ask her permission and she says neither 'Yes' or 'No' then you could be a rapist.
Here's a common scenario: You're in an amorous mood. The two of you kiss. Tongues start wrestling, buttons come undone, and within a few minutes, she's on her back, well, you get the idea. Rape or no?
13. You are a rapist if you 'nag' her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual 'yes' from a weary victim doesn't mean it's not rape. You are a rapist.
Previous lines were blurred a bit, but this one's ridiculous. Like I said, the key is consent. Some women like to play hard to get. Sometimes, after nagging, and she submits, she'll even thank you for being persistent. Is the guy suddenly a rapist? Of course not. If she relents and feels bad about it afterwards, it's as much her fault as his. No one forced her to stop saying no.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her "No" by talking her into it. She's not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it's not YOUR responsibility to 'get' her. You're still a rapist.
So, the girl who gets off on playing hard to get have to go unsatisfied because suddenly her significant other is afraid of being labeled a rapist because of their traditional sex play? I don't think so.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn't otherwise want it. If you say, "If you loved me you’d do X" then you're a rapist. If you say, "All the other kids are doing it!" then you're a rapist.
It's her own damn fault if she buys into it. She always has the right not to consent.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you're threatening her then you're a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to 'talk' her into sex then you're a rapist.
Threaten her? Sure. Act in a way that she considers threatening, even if you don't? I dunno. I mean, if a reasonable person can see it as threatening, yeah. If she has some weird quirk where she feels threatened every time a guy takes off his shirt, then no. She can always change her mind. If she doesn't and goes ahead with it, it's not rape.
17. You are a rapist if you don't immediately get your hands off of her when she says 'no'. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually 'gives in' to this tactic.
Safeword scenarios aside, I agree with the first part. The second part, again, if she submits willingly, it isn't rape.
18. You are a rapist if you won't let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation (sic) is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
Sleep deprivation is torture. Sleep interruption is not. I get interrupted in my sleep all the time. Does that mean my bladder, alarm clock, or beloved cat is torturing me? Of course not.
19. If you're necking with her and you're naked and you've already gone down on her and she says 'No' to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you're a rapist.
Well, yeah.
20. If you're engaged in intercourse and she says 'No' at ANY point and you don't immediately stop then you're a rapist.
Unless there's a safeword in effect, then yeah.
21. If she said "Yes" to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you're a rapist.
That all depends. What if you don't notice the condom breaking? What if it does break, and you agree to continue anyway? (Not a good idea, I know, but it happens.) Is it still rape?
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn't WANT sex and you continue then you're a rapist.
Yeah.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don't immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you're a rapist.
First part, yes. You should back off. However, if she willingly agrees to continue, even after a bit of verbal coercion, it isn't rape.
24. If you don't hit her and she says 'No' you're still a rapist.
What.
25. If you don't have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says 'No' then you're still a rapist.
Oh, so if you have forced sex, even without using weapons, it's rape? Well, yeah.
26. If you're a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
Duh. I can't imagine that friendship lasting, though.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn't want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you're a rapist.
Globviously.
28. If you're her husband you can still be a rapist.
Guh.
29. If it's your wedding night and she doesn't WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you're a rapist.
True.
30. If she's had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn't want to on the 101st time then you're a rapist.
Pretty much.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
Orally, yes. Anally, yes. Digitally? That's called molestation, not rape. But that's just splitting hairs.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
True.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
Also true.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
Also also true, but it does mean you're whipped. Or her cosigner.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
Yep.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn't mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
Uh-huh.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.
Right.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
Right.
39. If she 'turns you on' you're not entitled to sex.
Yeah.
40. If she has fucked every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn't want to fuck you and you have sex with her anyway, then you're a rapist.
It also means you raped your sister. Ew.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she's wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
Right.
42. If she's a prostitute and she says "No" then you're a rapist.
No, it means you're a shoplifter.
43. If she's a stripper and she says "No" then you're a rapist. Likewise, if she's a stripper and she's been rubbing against your dick all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
Uh-huh.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you're as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
You're a bit of a dick, but you're not as bad as the rapist.
45. If you don't fight rape then you accept rape.
What do you mean by "fight rape"? Staving off your attacker? Standing in the street shouting at cars? Taking an active stance? I'm not a fan of rape, but it doesn't mean I'll take an active stance against it any more than I will against the thousands of other atrocities that happen every day. Gotta earn a living and enjoy it, y'know? And if that means less time shouting at cars, distributing pamphlets, and writing up retarded checklists, so be it.
46. If you don't believe a woman when she says she was raped then you're encouraging rape.
"I was raped."
"Really?"
"No, but you encourage it."
Seriously. Rape is a terrible thing, but how many women out there scream rape when they regret sleeping with a guy, broke up with a guy, or just plain don't like some dude for whatever reason? Questioning rape charges is, unfortunately, necessary.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
"What were you in for?"
"Date rape."
"Whoa."
"Yeah, I felt bad about it and the judge went easy on me. Still, I'd never do it again."
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
True.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
"You raped someone?"
"Yeah, but just a small one. It doesn't count."
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won't know it.
With your gloriously encompassing definition, that's true.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn't trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don't wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
And if she chooses to sleep with you anyway, you're a rapist, too!
- Non-German Ladies
1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
This is a bit iffy. If your intent is to take advantage of her, then yes, it's rape. If your intent is to have a few drinks and the two of you become amorous, it's not. The key is consent.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
I assume this refers to the passed-out girl on the sofa and the frat guy trying to get some. No problems here.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk and have sex with her. Your drunkeness (sic) is no excuse.
What if she is sober and consents?
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
"Let's get drunk and fool around."
"But that would be rape."
5. If she's alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you're a rapist.
Only if you're having sex with her.
6. If she's sleeping and you have sex with her you're a rapist.
Pretty much, yeah.
7. If she's unconscious and you have sex with her then you're a rapist.
How is this different from # 6?
8. If she's taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
How does this differ from #s 6 & 7?
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say 'Yes' then you're a rapist.
Duh.
10. If you drug her then you're a rapist.
What do you mean by drug? Roofies? Sure. Smoking a bowl, dropping some E, or snorting some E, then making with the crazy monkey love? No.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you're a rapist.
Same basic principle as # 10.
12. If you don't bother to ask her permission and she says neither 'Yes' or 'No' then you could be a rapist.
Here's a common scenario: You're in an amorous mood. The two of you kiss. Tongues start wrestling, buttons come undone, and within a few minutes, she's on her back, well, you get the idea. Rape or no?
13. You are a rapist if you 'nag' her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual 'yes' from a weary victim doesn't mean it's not rape. You are a rapist.
Previous lines were blurred a bit, but this one's ridiculous. Like I said, the key is consent. Some women like to play hard to get. Sometimes, after nagging, and she submits, she'll even thank you for being persistent. Is the guy suddenly a rapist? Of course not. If she relents and feels bad about it afterwards, it's as much her fault as his. No one forced her to stop saying no.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her "No" by talking her into it. She's not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it's not YOUR responsibility to 'get' her. You're still a rapist.
So, the girl who gets off on playing hard to get have to go unsatisfied because suddenly her significant other is afraid of being labeled a rapist because of their traditional sex play? I don't think so.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn't otherwise want it. If you say, "If you loved me you’d do X" then you're a rapist. If you say, "All the other kids are doing it!" then you're a rapist.
It's her own damn fault if she buys into it. She always has the right not to consent.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you're threatening her then you're a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to 'talk' her into sex then you're a rapist.
Threaten her? Sure. Act in a way that she considers threatening, even if you don't? I dunno. I mean, if a reasonable person can see it as threatening, yeah. If she has some weird quirk where she feels threatened every time a guy takes off his shirt, then no. She can always change her mind. If she doesn't and goes ahead with it, it's not rape.
17. You are a rapist if you don't immediately get your hands off of her when she says 'no'. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually 'gives in' to this tactic.
Safeword scenarios aside, I agree with the first part. The second part, again, if she submits willingly, it isn't rape.
18. You are a rapist if you won't let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation (sic) is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
Sleep deprivation is torture. Sleep interruption is not. I get interrupted in my sleep all the time. Does that mean my bladder, alarm clock, or beloved cat is torturing me? Of course not.
19. If you're necking with her and you're naked and you've already gone down on her and she says 'No' to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you're a rapist.
Well, yeah.
20. If you're engaged in intercourse and she says 'No' at ANY point and you don't immediately stop then you're a rapist.
Unless there's a safeword in effect, then yeah.
21. If she said "Yes" to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you're a rapist.
That all depends. What if you don't notice the condom breaking? What if it does break, and you agree to continue anyway? (Not a good idea, I know, but it happens.) Is it still rape?
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn't WANT sex and you continue then you're a rapist.
Yeah.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don't immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you're a rapist.
First part, yes. You should back off. However, if she willingly agrees to continue, even after a bit of verbal coercion, it isn't rape.
24. If you don't hit her and she says 'No' you're still a rapist.
What.
25. If you don't have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says 'No' then you're still a rapist.
Oh, so if you have forced sex, even without using weapons, it's rape? Well, yeah.
26. If you're a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
Duh. I can't imagine that friendship lasting, though.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn't want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you're a rapist.
Globviously.
28. If you're her husband you can still be a rapist.
Guh.
29. If it's your wedding night and she doesn't WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you're a rapist.
True.
30. If she's had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn't want to on the 101st time then you're a rapist.
Pretty much.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
Orally, yes. Anally, yes. Digitally? That's called molestation, not rape. But that's just splitting hairs.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
True.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
Also true.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
Also also true, but it does mean you're whipped. Or her cosigner.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
Yep.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn't mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
Uh-huh.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.
Right.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
Right.
39. If she 'turns you on' you're not entitled to sex.
Yeah.
40. If she has fucked every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn't want to fuck you and you have sex with her anyway, then you're a rapist.
It also means you raped your sister. Ew.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she's wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
Right.
42. If she's a prostitute and she says "No" then you're a rapist.
No, it means you're a shoplifter.
43. If she's a stripper and she says "No" then you're a rapist. Likewise, if she's a stripper and she's been rubbing against your dick all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
Uh-huh.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you're as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
You're a bit of a dick, but you're not as bad as the rapist.
45. If you don't fight rape then you accept rape.
What do you mean by "fight rape"? Staving off your attacker? Standing in the street shouting at cars? Taking an active stance? I'm not a fan of rape, but it doesn't mean I'll take an active stance against it any more than I will against the thousands of other atrocities that happen every day. Gotta earn a living and enjoy it, y'know? And if that means less time shouting at cars, distributing pamphlets, and writing up retarded checklists, so be it.
46. If you don't believe a woman when she says she was raped then you're encouraging rape.
"I was raped."
"Really?"
"No, but you encourage it."
Seriously. Rape is a terrible thing, but how many women out there scream rape when they regret sleeping with a guy, broke up with a guy, or just plain don't like some dude for whatever reason? Questioning rape charges is, unfortunately, necessary.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
"What were you in for?"
"Date rape."
"Whoa."
"Yeah, I felt bad about it and the judge went easy on me. Still, I'd never do it again."
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
True.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
"You raped someone?"
"Yeah, but just a small one. It doesn't count."
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won't know it.
With your gloriously encompassing definition, that's true.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn't trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don't wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
And if she chooses to sleep with you anyway, you're a rapist, too!
- Non-German Ladies
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