Dear Mom and Dad,

You really, really shouldn't have a dog. I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Mom, it's like you decided one day that you wanted a dog. So, you checked some out, kicked some tires, and decided on this cute, spunky one named for a Beatles song. Now, I'm not complaining about your selection. Elly's as good a dog as any, but I don't think you quite realize what you've gotten yourself into.

Now, I'm not trying to come off as an asshole, here. I just want to say what so many of us have been thinking.

First, she's not a cat. She's not a self-sufficient creature who needs fed a couple times a day, the litterbox cleaned out once a month, and an occasional brushing. It seems like you want her to behave like a cat, though. It's not gonna happen. Ever. Everything I've ever seen her get yelled at for is typical canine behavior. What good is a watchdog who doesn't bark when someone comes to the door?

Second, yelling and punishment don't make a dog behave. Stop relying on negative reinforcement. It fucked your kids up plenty, and it's not doing the dog any favors. Training a dog is an intensive process, not to be half-assed. Most dogs need a 45 minute walk each day. Letting her outside from time to time, then giving her a treat only teaches her that she'll be rewarded for coming inside.

Third, the Gentle Leader has got to go. It's a device designed to a specific purpose, and you're misusing it. Even after being informed of its correct usage, you continue to misuse it. It's an ineffective, cruel form of punishment.

Your dog is miserable, and it's not her fault.

Well, she is our dog.

And Fuffy's my cat. That doesn't mean I own him any more than I own my sister. I don't tie up his snout when he's rambunctious or in the way. And there's always water out for him.

You don't own the dog. She's a living, breathing, sentient creature. It's a reciprocal relationship that dates back to our hunter-gatherer days. You provide for her, and she watches out for you. Just because she's dumb doesn't make her any less of an individual. Trying to mold her into your ideal animal is not going to work. Especially not the way you're trying. It will only end in bad behavior and sadness.

So, please, for everyone's sake, either learn to take care of her the right way, or find someone else who can.

- Next Generation Lighting